It Could Be Worse

If you know me well, you know I watch a fair amount of tv. One of my weekly shows is Private Practice on ABC. It of course is about doctors and their medical practice and their personal lives that tend to involve a little too much falling into bed with random people. Anyway, watching last week's season finale gave me a pretty good perspective.

I've never really asked "WHY". Why is James the way he is? Why was he born early? Why did he have a rare complication of being intubated? Why did he develop Cerebral Palsy without have a brain bleed? Why are his lungs so weak? Why Why Why? I feel like I just have to accept it because if I keep asking why I'll only dwell on the bad things and keeping wondering WHY when I could be spending that time looking for new therapies or stretching James or reading books with him or just cuddling with him.  Still there are times I wonder if life will get easier for my baby boy. If he'll ever walk by himself, talk on his own, sit by himself, know how much I really love him.

This past week on Private Practice one of the main characters had a baby. Her baby was born without a brain. Within minutes of her baby being delivered he started having problems breathing and she handed him over to doctors to harvest his organs to go to other tiny babies so they could live. She got to hold her baby boy for minutes, and he was gone.

I get to give my son medicine every day to help him breathe. I get to give him more medicine so he doesn't gag and aspirate his food. I get to give him even more medicine to relax his muscles. I get to stretch his tight tight muscles and hear him cry because it's painful. I get to watch him lay on a bed in an OR about to have someone take a scalpal to him in hopes it'll make things better. It could be worse.

But you know what else I get to do.  I get to hold my baby boy every day. I get to see his gorgeous smile. I get to cuddle with him before his nap every day. I get to see the joy on his face when his favorite movie comes on and hear him laugh. What a beautiful sound. I get to watch him laugh at the silly things his little brother does.

It could be worse. I could have a son I couldn't take care of my own. I could have a son who has a trach and can't vocalize at all and needs a ventilator to live. I could have a son who's in pain every day all day. I could have a son who has no quality of life. I could've lost my baby boy before I even got to know him.

I have an amazing little boy. He loves me and I love him. He can smile at me and laugh. He loves to read books and be tickled. He doesn't like new people, but he loves to cuddle. This little boy is my life and I thank God every day that he kept my tiny baby alive and allowed me to get to know him and love him. It could be so much worse.